How to Repair With Yourself After Losing Your Cool With Your Child

Your child refuses to hold your hand in the parking lot or put their coat on when you are already late getting out the door and BOOM! You lose it....

We've all been there, and as much as your mind might try to tell you otherwise.. shaming yourself isn't motivating.

Here's a short story about when I yelled at a decibel that I didn't think was possible to come out of my body, and how I can look back and reflect without self judgment.

The situation:
My three year old has a cavity.

I know. I know. It pains me even to put it into words.

"What type of parent lets her three year old get a cavity!?"
...at least that's what my mind (caught up in comparisons, and shame) was telling me.

(for the record, I later learned that she has an enamel deficiency that makes her very susceptible to cavities.)

That thought still comes up, and that's ok. The purpose of that thought is to motivate me to do better next time.

That thought is like an overly helpful friend who just wants to you be the best version of yourself, but just gets in the way.

So back to the story...

While brushing her teeth, I noticed the spot, and knew in my gut that it was a cavity.

So, throughout the remainder of the bedtime routine I was hooked by:

• Guilt about letting this happen. "I should have done better with brushing and sugar."

• Comparisons "What will her dentist think?"

• Anxiety and fear about the idea of her having to be in pain in order to fill the cavity. 

• Health worries for the future: "What does this mean for her dental health in the future?"

• Replaying conversations: "I tell my husband to cool if with the sugar, and nobody listens!"

• Black & White thinking: "Nobody listens to me!"

So I've got all of that going on in my head, so my internal world is CHAOTIC.

From the outside what you see is me losing my cool over my girls not listening. But internally, it was about so much more.

After a few requests for my children to go to their rooms so they could get dressed, and those requests falling on deaf ears, I LOST IT.

Now, Big Little Feelings talks a lot about how to repair with your CHILD after a challenging moment. That's also very important!

What I'm talking about here is repairing with YOURSELF.

It's easy to stay hooked after the yelling because, well, we all know yelling doesn't really do much other than make a hard situation harder and with a lot of hurt feelings.

So, the power of the PAUSE is the most important step.

Check out the graphics below for the steps that I find helpful to move from self judgment to self compassion.

This is hard work, and you're doing a great job!
-Caroline